“Friends are helpful not only because they will listen to us, but because they will laugh at us; Through them we learn a little objectivity, a little modesty, a little courtesy; We learn the rules of life and become better players of the game.” – Will Durant
All workplaces, even the highly functioning ones, face challenges with what coaches lovingly refer to as “difficult people”. Funny how upon listening to the pleas to fix these difficult people, those who are requesting assistance rarely include themselves in this group. For the record: we are ALL difficult people. Sometimes, anyway. A wise person once told me that conflict is a two-way street. She said: “We are all difficult people sometimes, right?! Even if you are convinced that it is all about them, take a moment and consider that you are also in the picture.” So I do.
First, take personal and professional responsibility for your part in the situation. Ask yourself if your actions, or lack of actions, have contributed in some way. Also ask yourself if your avoidance of the situation is not a neutral, balanced place, but instead adding more negative fuel to the fire. Avoiding something is the engagement of aversion, which is not neutral at all. It is the ostrich approach to conflict, and it only gets worse over time. Ask any marriage counselor or seasoned business coach who has the unfortunate task of cleaning up people’s messes after weeks and years of avoidance, and they will tell you that avoiding something causes harm, as much as the people who are yelling or bullying. Think about that.
Then, see if the situation calls for clarity, action, letting go, forgiveness, solutions, pushing for intelligent change, walking away – all of the above or none of the above. Another wise person once said: “If you are not a part of the solution, then you are part of the problem.” Ok, I get it that life, especially business life, is more complex than that, but the sentiment rings true. Years ago, I was introduced to a technique called disengagement that I believe is one of the best ways to solve interpersonal problems. Sometimes I confuse avoidance with disengagement and this gets me into trouble. Big time. But usually I can get to the heart of the matter, so that I and the situation I am in can move forward.
Here are five ways to reach this neutral zone I call disengagement. This takes practice, an honest assessment of our own participation, and the kind of high-road perspective that is needed for solution creation. This takes time, effort, patience and, above all, maturity. Ready to move forward and learn the art of disengagement? Here we go!
ONE – Responsibility: As I mentioned, the first step is taking personal and professional responsibility for your part in the situation. Even if you think you had NOTHING whatsoever to do with it, and that might even be true, then what might be true is this: you are in the wrong job, department, or company, and consider that you choose to go to work in this place everyday. Of course, at times we are all “whores for money”, with all due respect, and we feel choice-less and power-less. Sometimes this is true, sometimes it isn’t. If your words, thoughts, emotions, and actions (or lack thereof) have contributed to the conflict, take a long drink of truth, apologize for your part, work on making the situation better, and move on. This might take years, it might be messy, it is certainly scary, and it requires us to eat some humble pie. Do it anyway. Yum.
TWO – Effort: Don’t get lulled into thinking that being disinterested, detached, or dismissive is a version of being disengaged. This never works – again you are only adding fuel to the fire. Even if you sincerely think that this is your version of being disengaged, it is usually not perceived that way. Show some energy and enthusiasm so that others can see you are working towards a solution. At least try to put in a little effort… or a lot. The Japanese have a terrific expression: otsu kare sama deshita. It means, roughly: thank you for your time and effort. They say it often and with sincerity. I think English-speaking people could use this phrase more often in acknowledging the need for time and effort in all things. The Buddhists say that life is filled with suffering and demands great effort. So true.
THREE – Reasons: Take a long hard look at WHY you are in this situation. This is kinda deep psychological stuff here. Some philosophies say that everything happens for a reason, or that this person or situation is in your life at this time and place for a purpose. Perhaps this is true, and if it is, then what are you supposed to be learning? I am currently experiencing a conflict with yet another bully. I have failed many approaches to taking responsibility, avoiding, letting it go, and pushing forward. Now, I am committed once again to disengagement, so that my neutral zone can get a clearer perspective. What I now see is the why: this bully triggers all my buttons, going all the way back to my family, my ex-husband, and my contemporary ideas about equality in the workplace. Duh, it was there all along. What I do with this realization is crucial, and I intend to take responsibility for letting this bully trigger my buttons. I forgot for a moment that I do have control over my reactions. Oops.
FOUR – Truth: Tell the truth about the situation. If this truth threatens your job, then at least tell the truth to a mentor, your best friend, or another person of authority at work whom you trust (and be careful whom you trust). Saying out loud what is true, in a safe place with a sane person, will do wonders for engaging in disengagement and getting you on your way towards a solution. Beware: your mind might want to twist the truth, make the other person wrong, make you right (or vice versa). Just tell the simple truth, and let the person listening hold you to that goal. Then do what Dale Carnegie suggests about the worst-case scenarios. He asks: can you live with this? Can you work on solving this conflict? Can you take responsibility? Can you ask questions for clarity? Can you quit your job? Can you call the person out and tell the truth? Can you live in your Mom’s basement while you find a better situation? It might suck, but yes you can.
FIVE – Leadership: Another wise person, Tony Robbins, said that a true leader is someone who 1) sees the situation for what it is, not better or worse than it is… 2) imagines the situation better… 3) takes action to make the situation better. Number one, in my experience, seems to be the most challenging. It is hard to find this neutral zone, this observation of what is so from a genuinely disengaged place. Number two takes creativity and waking up the magician in us all – the voice who comes up with solutions, thinking out of the box if necessary, taking chances, risking. Number three is the key to moving forward. Without action, we are stuck in the conflict, in blaming, or being the victim… in embarrassment, or being the perpetrator. Action looks different in each and every situation; so make sure you lead yourself through this conflict situationally.
Finally, keep in mind that there is no way AROUND a conflict, only THROUGH one. Another wise person said this to me a long time ago, and I have never forgotten it. One more piece of advice: when in doubt, when all else fails, take a long, deep breath, and count to ten. May your personal and professional lives move forward in the neutral zone. Hang in there. You can do this.
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