“We need not just a new generation of leadership, but a new gender of leadership.”
- Bill Clinton
For most of my life, I have been deeply reluctant to publicly bring up the subject of gender, mostly due to an ingrained fear of ridicule and being labeled incorrectly. I had found myself using buffer words and over-the-top diplomacy when discussing this vital topic, this proverbial white elephant in board rooms. I almost always added that I am a feminist, egalitarian, man-loving person, so that the listeners (or readers) will exhale with relief. Thank goodness I am not one of THOSE kinds of feminists, they secretly think. Heck, I don’t even like using the word feminist most of the time, as if the word itself diminishes my credibility as someone with something to contribute.
These thoughts and internal edits are death to an effective leader.
I will never forget the first time I conducted a Leadership for Women seminar. I had never before considered that the core skills of leadership would be any different for a man than for a woman. The words of my intense, egalitarian father stayed in my mind: “Men and women are equal from the neck up.” And I believed him. Even today, I struggle with seeing any difference due to the fact that my definition of a solid leader is inspired by the work of Tony Robbins. He shows leadership as engaging in three steps:
- First, see the situation for what it really it – not worse or better.
- Then, imagine the situation better than it is right now.
- Finally, take action and improve the situation.
I was not convinced that a man or a woman would understand these three steps any differently, and therefore had not separated the content of my leadership trainings regarding gender. And then one day… I noticed that the natural talent I have as a leader (I am genetically wired this way, ask anyone who has known me since birth) was not shared by many women I have worked with and known. I noticed the language, body posture, internal dialogues, apologetic approach, and tempo differences – among many other observations – that got in their way. So, I decided to offer specific leadership trainings for women.
I noticed cliches that we have all been fed rang true for many women leaders: fear of losing our femininity and ability to be vulnerable, fear of being labeled as a man-hater if we bring up issues that reek of gender discrimination, fear of confrontation with male bullies, fear of becoming a ‘bitch-leader’, fear of making mistakes and our gender being blamed for these failures, fear of having to work with and lead our least favorite demographic – arrogant white men over 50… all played a role in why many women have not yet taken their rightful place in leadership.
Most of my career has been spent with men, and I continue to sincerely love working with groups of men – engineers, CEOs, entrepreneurs, laborers, professionals, executives, writers, artists, financiers, IT geeks, and cooks. I love the atmosphere of manufacturing, of materials being produced, of cars, of machines, of operations, of numbers, and of ideas being put into solid action. The business world is dominated by men, the world of coaching and training is dominated by men, the media is dominated by men, the planet is dominated by men… so I decided very early on not to make my gender an issue. I ignored, rationalized, dismissed, and avoided this imbalance… until recently. Until I decided to offer leadership trainings specifically dealing with women’s unique issues and imbalances that prevent us from reaching our potentials.
The statistics are out: enterprises that are run by women, that have a balanced gender ratio, that are influenced by female leaders… are doing very well, in many cases better than the status quo. I am convinced that diversity in the workplace is a significant factor in successful companies and organizations – and among other categories such as race, age, social background, personality traits, and creed, mixed gender groups are indeed more successful. Ok, if these stats continue to become public knowledge, then why is gender still an issue regarding leadership? Does the planet need another 5000 years to get it? Will my best friend’s daughter grow up with the same cliches that I grew up with? Will the backlash discussed in Susan Faludi’s prize-winning book remain in place, further building up the glass ceiling most women face on a daily basis? She wrote: “Far from being ‘liberated,’ American women in the 1980s were victims of a powerful backlash against the handful of small, hard-won victories the feminist movement had achieved.” Here we are in 2011 and although the stats of female opportunities are slightly brighter, it is shameful how much the gender issue is still a factor that prevents women towards leadership.
If men and women are equal from the neck up (metaphorically speaking), then why are women leaders still apologizing, buffer-wording, and putting up with all this nonsense? Even feeling compelled to write about this subject after almost 100 years of emancipation – since gaining the right to vote and the “women’s movement” of the 60’s and 70’s – feels, well, annoying. I imagine that people of color understand this and shake their heads in disbelief when the mainstream media continues to shred the first black US president with unapologetic bravado. Politics aside (I did not vote Republican or Democrat), there is a level of respect for the presidency that seems to have fallen through the cracks of our society. I was brought up to believe that anything is possible, that the US is a land of opportunity. My teachers and role-models forgot to include information about gender discrimination and its insidious nature. Race is being handled in a similar way it seems, but I digress.
When I spent many years in Japan, I experienced gender discrimination all the time. When I came back to the US, my expectations were that this nonsense would not be an issue. Here is what I discovered: it was more comfortable for me to see, feel, and hear the gender discrimination in Japan because it was not hidden. In the US where women supposedly have equal rights and opportunities, it has been much much worse because apparently we do have equal opportunity here… so what is MY problem? If you want to hear the stories, give me a call. For now, trust me when I say I have never experienced such deep-rooted gender discrimination than here in my own country. Perhaps this is because I am a leader, usually smarter than my clients (that’s why I get hired in the first place, right?!), and I don’t engage in an apologetic approach to leadership. I am diplomatic and appropriate, yes, AND I tell the truth and get results. That’s what a good coach does.
If I am wrong, so be it. Brain research is discovering neuro-scientific differences, hormonal variations, and other bio-chemical distinctions that show we are not actually equal from the neck up either. But as I said, this is a metaphor, and I have observed for almost three decades that leadership, for one thing, is a talent that both genders do terribly or successfully, depending on the leaders themselves and not on their gender (or race, creed, social background, education, etc).
Women I know, who are inclined towards leadership, are struggling. We share a common bond and silent understanding of the glass ceilings we face on a daily basis. And we are done. Perhaps for the first time in history, female leaders are starting to approach leadership WITHOUT an apology, and articles such as this one are going public, also without an apology (nor anger, blaming, or superiority). This is new, this is the gender revolution of the 21st Century. Women such as global journalist Christianne Amanpour, online media mogul Ariana Huffington, and Secretaries of State Madeleine Albright and Hilary Clinton have made it easier for us.
Now, I and many others are expecting the moment when these extraordinary women do not get one single comment thrown at them regarding their clothes, bodies, husbands or hairstyles. Then, and only then, will we know that women leaders have taken their different but equal place at the dinner table of business, politics, and society. Until then, chin up. Don’t worry, there will be another moment of gender discrimination on your horizon when your leadership will be challenged because you wear a bra. These are priceless opportunities to continue on your paths and move forward, resolving to contribute as a solid leader, in spite of these obstacles. Keep on swimming… you are not alone.
PS: Emancipation is not a one-way street. To those of you who have engaged in gender discrimination or have been intimidated by extraordinary women leaders: you are missing out. We don’t want to take over, we are not engaging in superiority tactics… instead, we want to share our version of cooperation, inclusion, and diversity that are at the core of our unique leadership talents. Leadership is our right as human beings, too. Make an effort to let go of an imbalanced version of control and finally embrace that there are many ways to skin a cat. We need you, you need us, and we are in this leadership gig together.
